my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
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Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty