My birthstone is a sushi roll.
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don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.