[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
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I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.