ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
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having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
#dalle2
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
every. time.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk