Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
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Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Name this drama.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry