GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
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When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob