I am laughing way too hard at this.
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Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.