I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
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My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga