Maybe jesus needs me in his life
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The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
me adding lol on a serious message
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
how much for the angry fruit?
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”