The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
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How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
can I use a minion as a tampon
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.