If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
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I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.