Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
And then there were 4
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I got bills
They’re multiplying
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.