Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
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Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
A friend helps you before you need it
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
BETRAYAL
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!