Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
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Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Velcrow
All. The. Damn. Time.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today