It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
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5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I need better friends