My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
You Might Also Like
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.