Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
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According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid