me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
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Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.