There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
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Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means