Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
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Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]