I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
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one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.