Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
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That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Rooting for the overdog
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.