[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
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The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.