Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
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“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.