*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
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Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
This is my bus stop.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Milk Cube
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Mouse
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.