If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
You Might Also Like
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.