I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
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[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.