*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
You Might Also Like
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.