“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
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If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
scrabbled eggs
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
SCARY COSTUME
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.