Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
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Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*