Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
You Might Also Like
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Shoo shoo! 😂
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?