Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
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My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
“I FIXED IT!”
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”