Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
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GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
me
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.