When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
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I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good