*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
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Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
An odd boast
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Had an epiphany today.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..