police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
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Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.