Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
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My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me