Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
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If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I’m giving up for Lent.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
😂😂
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.