Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
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ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room