It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
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Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
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Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
A game married people play.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*