The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
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If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff