*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.