A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
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Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.