when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
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I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol