My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
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Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
NASA has no chill
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.