I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
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Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.