94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
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This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
is this a warning or an offer?
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
The real reason evolution started..😂
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter