[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
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hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.