Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
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The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE