I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
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I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
m’lady
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS